Latest Miscarriage, Parts I - III
don't get all skeezed out, this isn't all about miscarriages. Actually
it is, but not what you'd think. Last Friday I had my third miscarriage
-- third time's the charm, right? It's getting to the point that
I know when they're coming on -- just like old sailors who can predict
storms thanks to an itchy wooden leg.
a miscarriage isn't all bad. Last time I had one, my gynecologist
validated my parking. Shut up, it's like 20 bucks to park at the
hospital and she never validates. Plus I got a bunch of Darvocet.
I've since left that non-validating gynecologist, mostly because
her office was way too crowded and she once high-fived me after
pulling her hand out of my body. Yes, she had removed the latex
glove but it was still a little too much for me. Now that I think
about it, I've had a new gynecologist for every single miscarriage.
Hmmm, what's the one constant here?
newest doctor is the All Powerful, Uber Field Marshall of Ladyparts
at Cedars Sinai. Of course that's not her actual title, just her
reputation. She's Chinese, very funny and direct, and the most thorough
doctor I've ever had. Just by examining me she could tell I was
having crummy orgasms. I'm not kidding it blew my mind
my orgasms. She said, in her clipped Chinese accent, "Everybody
come in here, pap smear, pap smear, pap smear, very boring. Youuuu
challenging." I totally love her. She validates.
now I have the big-time OB/GYN, plus a reproductive endocrinologist,
an acupuncturist, a nutritionist and a shrink all trying to keep
me pregnant. Oh
and a husband. It's as if my uterus has its
own personal pit crew. Vroom, vroom.
this point you're probably wondering WHY I'm having so many miscarriages.
If you're not, then you should. Nobody knows why, how's that for
an answer? Apparently I might have scrambled eggs. And for that,
I'm being sent to Genetic Counseling. Genetic Counseling? Like my
DNA could actually change. I think in order for my DNA to change
it has to want to change. I wonder if Genetic Counseling is like
marriage counseling. Will I secretly want to strangle my DNA for
being selfish in bed? I don't think so.
what I do know
I can get pregnant. The end. In the past four
years, during which I've had three miscarriages, I have had literally
dozens of ultrasounds. For those of you unfamiliar with this
super-fun-top-secret-girl-stuff procedure, they take a 12 inch phallic
probe (and this thing really is 12 inches, by the way), they roll
a condom on it and shove it in you to look around. Right before
it's inserted I always turn to the technician and say, "At
least you could buy me a drink first." That joke only works
once so make sure you have a new technician if you want to try it
again. Oh I'm rich with miscarriage material. I gotta tell ya --
I was thinking of creating a new line of greeting cards that instead
of saying IT'S A BOY! or IT'S A GIRL! would say IT'S A MISCARRIAGE!
is this thing on? Well I know for a fact I could have
sold at least three of those cards
if I were buying them for
now I'm back at square one. I'm passing GO again. Next month I'm
having about 400 new blood tests, one lovely day involving radioactive
dye, a needle in my cervix and a machine brought to you by G.E.
-- they bring good things to life. I was initially reluctant to
have that dye test because I thought it would be too invasive. It
was at that moment my doctor reminded that me having a baby was
invasive. I guess I kinda didn't know that. I don't know much, really.
what I do know: I know I've had three miscarriages. I know that
my first miscarriage came and went before I knew I was even pregnant.
I know that I was in so much agony during my second miscarriage
that I actually tried to crawl under my bed to shield my body from
the pain. I know that I played a round of golf the day after my
third miscarriage. I know that there's a deep sadness in every pastel
waiting room I frequent, and with every new patient questionnaire
I fill out. I know that I go to baby shower after baby shower and
have to sit there watching my friends unwrap tiny little duckie-covered
baby gifts while I'm secretly trying to hold it together. Or I have
to deal with my close friends who are on eggshells around me about
their pregnancies and babies, for fear that I might start weeping
right on the spot. I know that having a baby may never happen for
pretty much all I know.
version for easy reading
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